An Early Phone call!!

We did it!!

Papa landed an interview.

I’m so excited right now that my calm look contradicts how I could barely contain myself. He received a call early this morning from the embassy that they would like to interview him on Tuesday. I could hear the happiness in his voice. So proud of him!

I hope to be writing very to about the offer. In Shallah, it will happen (hmm …I go to North Africa for a week and already speaking Arabic….cool).

Yes, you read right. In other news, Belle and I took a trip to Egypt for Spring break with some other colleagues of mine. To be honest, I really didn’t mind Belle coming along not only because I won’t leave her alone due to her age, but honestly because there is zero nightlife in Cairo or Alexandria (the two places we visited). There was lots to see and eat of course. The seafood at a restaurant called Zephyrian’s is to die for!!  The grilled shrimp was succulent, with a buttery surface, and grilled to a highly seasoned perfection. The white fish as well. my goodness, I could taste the authenticity of the Greek influenced seafood spread right now. As I close my eyes, I could also see the calmness of the waters of the Mediterranean sea. I have never been to such a “beach-friendly” beach. I want to go back there. Just to that place in particular.

Chronicles

Funny enough I named this entry chronicles since I just came back from watching the “Tarzan Chronicles” play.

I am making new discoveries of myself very quickly, since i have let go and let God! It is amazing. I have a little hustler in me which I am proud of (I have mom and dad to thank). My sweet smile could fool anyone, as I have this no-nonsense reaction to a situation that seems like it may take hold of me. My hustler side was able to get my friend and I a parking space, names on the waiting list, getting in for free (!), and fought for seats. I even got to chat with the director and owner of the theater for a little bit. (Eat that jealous co-workers!!!).

I’m so proud of myself, and I’m gonna call mom right now for instilling this quality in me. My friend who is also a no-nonsense New Yorker, was quite impressed. I’m breaking out of my shyness. This place is doing me good. I am getting stronger.

This is reassuring me that I surely can get by in this life without depending too much on anyone. I want to increase my network, that’s for sure, but I can do this and still be me.

On another note, I am slowly jumping off the fence with career choices and future plans. Now I know why I am here. It’s not to rack up a whole lot of money to just have it and call myself “rich.” It’s to buy a piece of property to call ours. It’s to finally live my dream of attending UNISG in Italy (which I will explain all what this is about and why in a whole other email). It’s to travel like I always dreamed of.

“I Know That.”

After networking a bit on Twitter this evening, I learned from juliaerickson that those are three dangerous words: “I know that.” It closes minds and stops learning.

I am so fond of doing this. I have actually caught myself so many saying this so many times. I even used to wonder “wow, I know so much! Why bother having a conversation with this person? This is stuff I already know.” Her advice really stood out to me because I guess I needed someone to finally “tell” me that it is a horrible thing to do. I will start being more conscious of that.

In other news, working is frustrating me. I keep getting myself in this predicament of a dead-end teaching job. Why??? Due to fear. Due to lack of finances. I do hav to appreciate the fact that teaching helped me get “somewhere” in my early working days. Teaching allowed me the ability to be independent, live in my own apartment, drive a nice car, afford a certain lifestyle, go out and enjoy nightlife, and of course, pay bills.

Now it is time for a change. I am grateful this job has given me the ability to save a little cash. Now I will begin to contemplate where I need to be, career wise. I know I have a calling. I hear it. At work. In my sleep. In my dreams. In the shower. But it’s so far away that I can’t make out what that voice is saying. It will clarify someday.

Speaking of not liking my job, this informative article helps to reinforce why this is a career I need to leave. Quick! http://www.careerealism.com/want-to-be-a-teacher-better-read-this-first/

A New Day.

I am beginning to feel Alive again.

Each day is a new day that brings lessons, understanding, and hope. I am finally looking forward to my near future and no longer holding on to the past. Instead, the past is now my teaching tool that helps me not make the sames mistakes again. Because you know what they say about making the same mistakes……twice!

So here I am. Temporarily unemployed and happy. My new job begins in about 3 weeks. I will be moving to my new home then as well. The next two weeks is all about packing packing packing. Leaving the past behind. Out with the old, in with the new.

This past week I got cold feet. I went to bed thinking about “what the hell did I just get into??? Being an expat/nomad has led me to have a quite interesting lifestyle. Since graduating from college I have changed addresses twice a year. lived in 5 different U.S. states and nearly 10 towns. When marriage came, I thought “this was it.” But apparently not. There seems to still b some moving around to do. So as the cold feet cam on, I was thinking things like : “What if Belle gets really sick?” “Or the weather is unbearable for her?” “What if there are big bugs or rodents?” “What if there is a major power outage and there isn’t any diesel”? “What if I become a victim of a crime?” Then I started regretting not having a man in my life. Now I’m beginning to see the importance of having a life partner and not just a husband. I can’t do it all alone. I have to, but I don’t want to.I want him….wherever you are. Find me soon.

I spoke with another amazing single expat mama like myself and she helped to reassure that everything will be okay. Thank God for this blog because we would never have crossed paths in a million years. It’s one thing to get reassurance or advice from a good friend, but it’s another to get it from someone who is actually experiencing a similar situation.

A new day has also come because Papa and I and beginning to start a friendship. There are still feelings, and I believe there will always be because of the marriage and our daughter. I try not to over analyze our new found relationship though. I’m learning to go with the flow.

He has Belle for the next two weeks, which would allow me to pack  without distractions. Oh, and enjoy some free time!

This past two weeks has been a whirlwind of events like going up to Jersye for about 4 days to sepnd time with the fam. My mother and I took Belle to Coney Island, and it was such a great experience…..for Belle that is. Me, not so much. She got on her first few rides and took it like a champ. My baby is already strong character. She shows resilience to everything. Kinda like her mama, but even stronger.

The Expat Single Mom (Part Two of 2)

This seems to be a new concept.

I can think of myself to be a savvy search engine semi-expert and I have searched high and low for a good lead on this, and not any much to find. I stumbled on a few articles here and there, but still too vague for me. Nothing that hits “home.”

I finally resolved that maybe the are not too many of us out there. Maybe I am part of the new wave. A pioneer of single moms who are not only going to be full time mothers,  but who are also going to do what others might think is impossible or just crazy, and TRAVEL.

Why not????

I was born into a family of travelers. Both my parents grew up in separate continents, and met in a whole different continent. To this day, I don’t think they have spent one entire years in their over 40 years of marriage, together. One out of the two of them would traveling, and for quite sometime (for business or to take care of family matters). We’re talking months here. When my siblings and I were younger, we went with my parents everywhere: North and South America, Europe, Africa, and the Caribbean.

My sister, is a traveler as well. With her fabulous job, she got to rest her head in every single continent in the world, including Australia. I remember being in so infatuated with her journeys. I wanted to just dive in her suitcase and follow her. I would beg playfully even tough deep inside I was near tears of envy. I decided I wanted to do this. I think I was 12 years old at the time.

So I started wit baby steps. I remember leaving my first, very secure job in education, and driving to Miami, FL. It happened just out of the whim. I loved FL and I new I wanted to live there mainly because of the beautiful weather. Traveled to different states in the mean time. Then I catapulted myself to my current city in D.C. My plan was to move to New York City afterward, and finally work my way abroad after gaining some good experience in the international sector.

But of course, as the God would have, that was not HIS plan.

Met a boy, fell in love, became engaged, moved in together, bun in the oven, got married, bought a house, moved to the ‘burbs, and became a stay at home mom.

WHOA!!!! How the heck did all this happen?? Well I might elaborate on this at another time but I just want you to get a sense of how I got off-course. My reason for pointing this out is that IT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT TO STICK TO YOU PRINCIPLES AND ASPIRATIONS!! The travel bug not only bit me when I was a little girl, but pretty much bough property and moved right into my soul. After I ran off-course, I thought I could talk it out of staying in there. But I have learned there is no negotiation with your spirit. Doing so leads to stress and restlessness.

So now I think you can be to understand why I am a single mom. Papa is a dormant. Happy to stay indoors, on the couch, front of the tv, or on phone with his family. He cherishes his own culture, and that’s it. Not interested about any other culture, or going anywhere else for that matter.

Even after getting out of an unhappy marriage, my spirit would not rest. I found myself beginning to read again. Reading traveling memoirs of great writers like Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love (a must read for those who can really resonate with this blog). I also found myself in the travel section of my favorite bookstore cafe, reading about expat women and their experiences abroad. I live on sites like Matador Travel, World Hum, and Expat Women. I tweet with other expats and travelers. Besides single mom blogs, I read travel blogs. I WIKI everything.

But what’s more wonderful about all this is that, I feel so happy about it. I think I even get off sometimes. I know….that sounds crazy, but it’s so true.

So travel is for me. It is part of my purpose. Denying or using my single mom status as an excuse is like allowing a part of me to just die.

So I hard to think long and hard how I could do this because my situation is different. Things would be different if I was single. I probably would not have to put much thought into all of this. Just pack my things and go!  But  not only do I have a child, but I have a small toddler who needs constant physical care. I need to be in a secured and safe environment. I need to be where I already know some folks, for the additional support system.

So as opposed to a nomad, I chose to become an Expat Single Mom. As an expat, there is more security in the all the areas of concern and welfare for Belle. As an Expat, I am able to afford a full time child care provider. I could afford to live very comfortably, be surrounded by other expats. I chose my soon to be new home because I have a support system there and they are all extremely thrilled I am “coming  home” for a while. Belle will be showered with so much love and attention and probably will be spoiled. (That’s okay….I don’t mind the pampering).

Here I am. About to begin a new chapter of my life. One that reflects who I am in every dimension. This is the beginning of my pursuit of happiness!!

The Single Mom

I tuned in today to listen to a blog radio show that featured Alaina Sheer, also known as MsSingleMama.com and Morgan, a.k.a ModernMarriedMomma.com. Since January of this year, I joined the single mom blogosphere. I remember sitting on my sofa while Belle amused herself with her activity. My mind was racing. Searching for answers. But how the heck could I answer my own questions??

My situation is not a good one. I left the big city and moved to my current state with Papa.  I did not know anyone besides him and his extended family and friends. My family lives in a different state about 4 hours (door to door) away from me. (I am NOT a long-distance driving enthusiast). So when we separated things really took a turn for the worst for me. He was my network. My support system. Now, that was gone. I had no-bo-dy. And I had to continue to care for a 6 month old.

IT-IS-HARD.

Besides the physical implications I went through while caring for my infant baby girl, there was no support system to rely on. The economy tanked so I couldn’t even think twice about leaving my current (decent paying) job, to move back up to the family. Plus Papa wouldn’t let me take Belle too far from him. (Yeah, It’s funny he would let me take her 4 hours away, but he’s extremely supportive about the international move.) My only other person that I could lean on was my awesome nanny. I can’t wait to write more about her and how her presence helped my transition into single motherhood a  lot!

So there I was, on that couch, on a Sunday morning. Wishing I could go to church, but of course too tired, too worn out, weather was crappy, and haven’t even eaten breakfast or showered yet. I needed to talk to someone at that minute. I remember saying to myself “I need to find another single mother who around my age with a small child, and is going through the same ordeal, but how she is able to rise above it all. Thanks to Google, I discovered Ms. Single Mama.

She really has pioneered the single mom revolution (at least in my eyes). I have stumbled upon so many other single mom blogs and websites, but hers really resonates with me. Her experience is extremely similar to mine, the only difference was that she was able o go back to her mom’s for the initial support in order to get back on her feet. I, on the other had, feel like I was thrown to the lions.

If you are out there, contemplating separating from your spouse with small children:

First, reconsider and see whether it is at all possible to try and work things out.

Second, if that is not at all possible, please please please round up a support system consisting of family, reliable friends, neighbors and child care providers. Please by all means, do NOT do this alone.

Third: Prayer changes things. Ask God for help. There is no formality in Prayer. Just talk to Him like you would to your close friend or even a shrink. You will be amazed! Take it from someone who has very little “wait and see” patience. He worked on me pretty quickly, and I didn’t even know where the time went!

Fourth: Mourn the separation if you must. I highly recommend it because it is a great way of letting go. Then, get back out there and begin to network! For us single moms, that may be joining the blogosphere (due to child care costs), and social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter.

I am experiencing much better days. The cliche of reassurance “Things will get better over time,” is so annoyingly true. I have learned so much more about myself in the past year more than I ever have in my adult life.  Now that I am accepting my new life and moving on, I am ready to take on my latest challenging role: The Expat Single Mom.

More to follow……

Be You.

I can’t stress that enough.

My reason for saying this is because there was another episode with Papa (by the way, I call him Papa because that’s what Belle would eventually call him since he’s a Francophone and he only speaks French to her). We had a good conversation today when we did our “exchange” of Belle. We sat and talked, and even laughed together for a good while as Belle played in the center of the lounge area.

When we said goodbye, I asked him to call me later.

Big mistake.

But then again, maybe it wasn’t so. Tonight I found out more things about him that makes me realize I would be the world’s biggest loser if I ever got back with him:

- He has ZERO interest in the very hobbies that I enjoy doing which I could one day see myself doing as a career/business.

- He is extremely traditional; Me, free-spirited.

- He is very emotional and hold grudges forever. Me, five minutes after an argument, I’m like “so what’s on t.v.”

- Even in his twenties, he believes a woman of my age, 28, should know her place/role (WTF??).

- He wants to be friends with me, but he doesn’t want me in his life. (Once again, WTF??)

oh, the list goes on and on, but I’ll save it for another time.

Bottom line is we are not compatible. I want a lover and a friend. He has NO clue what that means. My free-spirit deserves to be with a non-traditionalist, not this type of dude.

I think God should have been a bit stingy with the nurturing capability He gave us women. It should have been limited to just our babies. Adults should fend for themselves. I say this because we as women keep giving men like Papa, a chance. Hoping that in due time, he would change. That he would come to senses eventually, and start to act right. We should be less tolerant of this. It doesn;t mean to be vocal or disrespectful. I just mean, if he demonstrates incompatible traits or is not willing to compromise, just quietly exit the building (figuratively speaking).

I need to be me. Someone else will appreciate who I am and what I love to do. God gave me talents and skills for a reason, and if I am meant to spend the rest of my life with a partner, then there is certainly someone else out there who would be happy with what I have to offer.

I know it’s different with a child, but honestly, it’s still possible.

I did it. And I’m still standing.

My current work in progress is making it clear to myself that this man is NOT going to change for me. He has spoken these words right out of his own mouth this evening. I have to stop giving him any time of day besides the communication of our child which is pretty much (at this point) scheduling pick up and drop off times.

Here I am. Legally married. 100% single. Ready to move on. Any takers?? Hehe.

The Beginning of Goodbye.

As I sit here, sipping a glass of wine, I am trying to gather my thoughts.

Holy Crap! I am moving to a whole new continent in exactly two months!!! Did I really sign up for this?? As exciting as it sounds to move to another country, it is not quite easy. And I mean that physically and emotionally. I have moved around quite a bit a lot of times in my life so at this point moving shouldn’t be quite a scary thing? Wrong! It is.

How and where do I start? Keep in mind that I also have to pack for a 15 month old and any single mom out there reading this, you all can relate that it is a dreadful task. Luckily, my school pays for shipping. So I was able to ship some boxes of diapers, wipes etc. But now, the real packing begins. And of course we all know that along with packing, are the ‘good-byes.’

I have already made the annoucement to my few friends who are dear to me. As much as we are going to miss each other, they couldn’t be any happier for me. The two of them are both moms, so the thought of having a full time nanny at a very affordable price, make this whole expat thing quite tempting to them. But of course, it’s not a decision they could make their own, being married and all. I guess one good thing about being a single parent is that you don’t have to seek anyone’s approval (at least not until your child is much older). I couldn’t have chosen a better time to do this then.

Then there’s having to turn in my resignation at my current job. For the almost year I’ve been there, I kept to myself A LOT! And for obvious reasons. I just could not let anyone in on my personal situation. But now that I’m learning to move on, I find myself talking more to my colleagues. I am actually planning a Happy Hour for the gang next week (so typical me). So now that I’m just getting to know some of the folks I work with, it’s time to say goodbye. Especially to my caring boss, who hugged and helped me through my awful ‘Papa Drama’ days.

The hardest of all would be say goodbye to family. I currently live in a different state away from everyone else so it shouldn’t be that difficult right? Wrong again! My family is the backbone of my existence, and the air supply that keeps me breathing. My parents did an excellent job in keeping all of us siblings very close together, no matter what. Just the mere thought that my conversations with my mom would be limited to minutes and not hours, does a number in my tummy. I can’t fathom having to speak to her on a weekly basis as opposed to a daily one. This. will. be. hard.

But the begining of goodbye is also the introduction to Self Fulfillment. Which is possibly the best thing any human being could do for him/herself. I have learned that leaning on someone (husband, wife, partner etc) to help define you, or ‘fulfill’ you is not the healthiest way to go. Ah heck! It’s just not a wise idea. YOU are your own destiny. YOU must lead your heart, and not follow your heart.

In Limbo

I am so emotionally and physically exhausted.

I just want to give up. Not on my daughter. She needs me and I need her. And we are crazy about each other.

I’m talking about on Hope. Up until today, Hope prevailed in me:

The hope that one day I will figure out why this marriage went sour.

The hope that maybe Papa and I may get back together or become really good friends.

The hope that my spirituality will become stronger.

The hope that I may make new friends.

The hope that there is life beyond the one I’ve been living in the past three years.

The hope I may meet someone better.

I am at a place right now where  I don’t know if I’m coming or going. In Limbo. Somewhere, but nowhere. A place that cannot be found. Somewhere no one wants to be.

We are leaving in two months. I cannot possibly meet someone at this point. It won’t be fair to him or myself and I totally refuse to have a long distance relationship. Where I’m going, that would just be nuts. And also, it’s two more months of loneliness. I can’t really get out there to foster any new friendships. And the few that I have right now have barely a solid foundation. I could only hope that we would keep in touch. But of course, who knows. Life goes on.

The more things change…..

Still slipping.

“God, I know you hear me. Please help me stop this madness. I always know how to turn the page, but it seems like I can’t get further than two pages. Help me maintain consistency in this breakup. Teach me how to stand my ground and hold steadfast.”

Honestly, I keep saying I am tired of these games, but many times I choose to remain a player as well. When does the hurt and pain finally stop??? When is the game over?

Travel Plans

Is it possible to travel with a then 18 month old vibrant little girl abroad, to a country you barely know anyone, and be able to maintain sanity, and a pumping heart? As I have reached the end of my road with Papa, there is a huge chance that Belle and I will be venturing to Europe on our own as well.

Now this will be hard since it’s a layover trip meaning I have to take all our baggage out, store it (which is going to cost just as much as the trip), then get to to the hotel, sight see, eat, drink, and play, and all at the same time still be a full time mom to a toddler. I am not afraid to admit that I am a strong woman, but this act just seems a bit too intimidating for me.

So yes, I’m not ashamed to admit it: I need Papa (for this one, that is)